Science of PJs- Weapons of Mass Destruction

“Chauri apni jeans upar kar le, nahi toh swine flu ho jayega.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

What was that supposed to mean? How on earth can one associate ‘a viral disease’ with one’s jeans? And if one is to take a leaf from Hitler’s dictionary and believe that such impossibility becomes true, why would it be named as ‘Swine Flu’ and why not ‘Jeans Flu’ (a further sub classification could perhaps be Lee Flu, Wrangler Flu, Levis Flu and so on). Why is that sweet little plump animal being blamed for it?

I was left gawking and groping for a clarification. Then came the explanation that would have by all odds numbed the likes of Newton and Einstein.

“Abe tujhe pata nahi. Swine Flu se bachane ke liye High Jean chahiye hota hai.”

On the 4th floor of my building, I only had two options left after hearing this explanation. Either I throw myself out of the window or throw Garry out of it. Somehow I resisted the temptation and settled for a little less than that. Threw a furious look at him and left.....

.

Now another incident that my roommate very proudly tells me about is equally disgusting. Thankfully I was not the guy who was the target this time. That was a very unwholesome moment for our dear Pandu who caught my Dear Roommate studying in the library or at least he thought him doing so. And like every other Indian exclaimed “Kya baat hai be padhai kar raha hai!!” And my roommate again like every other Indian replied “nahi be.” He added “Mai toh mere samne wale bench par jo ladaki baithi hai use dekh raha hu.” Our dear unlucky Pandu just tried to be smart and did a Sherlock Holmes by inquiring further “Abe lekin tune ye jo lines khiche hai books par vo kaha se aye?” And he instantaneously ran out of luck. The reply came “Abe wahi toh!! Ladaki ko dekh kar line mar raha hu.”

Poor Pandu!! And Poor Me!! And Poor those who are reading this blog!!

How do you react to these PJs or rather TJs (terrible jokes)? You bang your heads into a wall? You start pulling your hair? You start thumping and jumping on the bench? Or you simply act like you have heard nothing though your whole body shakes and you wish to kill someone?
Whatever you do but one thing that I am certain of is that you guys would not be feeling much different from what I felt when I encountered these TJs. Now what I felt then is something even recalling which gives me dizziness. With my swirling head I am writing what happened when I heard that Swine Flu PJ on that unfortunate day of my life:

• I was feeling like the world around me had just been smoked out like a shot of marijuana.
• The land beneath my feet had become four dimensional.
• I was rotating around the sun at a speed closer to that of light. And time had just slowed down following the relativity theory of Einstein.
• Since my mass was reaching the speed of light I was transforming into energy and the sound of people chattering around me was becoming distant and ultimately died.

Now if this much of astro-physics was not sufficient that my biology also came to the fore.

• My entire nervous system broke down for some moments like the website of NMIMS once the result of NMAT comes.
• My blood started pushing out of my veins like the water coming out of the manholes of Mumbai in the month of July.
• My cerebrum started springing and ricocheting from the skull.

Now if someone has any doubt as to which one is a deadlier PJ – the one I mentioned at the top of this post or the ones which I just bulleted, then let me make something absolutely clear to one and all - I was actually feeling that way.

P.S.: Did you know-

• How our dear Saurabh KapUr is different from Kareena KapOOr? Ans.- Unlike Kareena, Saurabh is not POOR.
• Why swine flu cannot spread much in India? Ans.- Because none of the Indian species of swine flew in the past. (Mind Flu=Flew in Hindi)
• How come an enemy under pressure is defeated more easily? Ans.- Because he has to shit. And he cannot do it before everyone hence he runs.

-Excerpts from ‘Simply Believe it or Not’ by Saurabh KapUr and Ashish Dhagat ‘Pandu’

WHY ARE THEY THE BEST BUSINESSMEN OF ALL? WHY?

For the past 15 days I hadn’t had any non veg food thanks to my Mallu Boss who panics even at the very idea of seeing someone eating murdered food. And since he is the one who transfers my food burden to the company’s income statement—a provision that was not supposed to be created out of company’s profits as per the details provided to me in my interview—it conferred this moral sense of duty on me to sit with him at dinner and during lunch and have in my plate what pleased his eyes. Actually it was not an obligation. I could very well sit somewhere else and enjoy leg/tail pieces. But the chatter box as I am, I preferred to sit with him and enjoy north Indian veg food with south Indian tadka on it.

That day I got this chance to please my palates. My boss had his B’day and we decided to go out to have dinner. Further it was decided to have food of one’s choice rather than to form a consensus on it MBA style. So five of us—2 herbivorous and 3 omnivorous including me—had our day. Venue—Karol Bagh. My boss unsurprisingly decided to go for a south Indian restraunt and we—also unsurprisingly—chose to avoid the same. Ravi & I left after others had boarded the metro. And by the time we reached there others couldn’t keep the mice in their belly under control. So we two were left. Now the problem was I didn’t want to eat alone and Ravi being a hardcore Gujju & ‘XXX’ veggie couldn’t sit in front of a non-veg thali. He was going to this restraunt named ‘Suruchi’ known for its Rajasthani & Gujarati Thali. So I decided to try something that was going to be a ‘First Time’ in the life of this guy from Ganga Kinare—A Rajasthani thali (Dont laugh OK!). Of course I had it earlier at Dolly’s home but that was a modified version I should say.

OK so we entered the restraunt. And astonishingly I found more waiters than eaters there—all dressed up in typical Marwari/Gujarati attire. The order was predecided so we didn’t have to spend time looking at menu card. One Rajasthani thali for me and one Gujarati thali for Ravi. Well I didn’t have any idea that they would take the order in its ‘literal’ sense and put two thalis without anything in it before us. I was just going to say that “No no! You took it wrong. We mean Gujarati thali + Gujarati khana in it”. Before I could utter a word, they came back with small bowls. I couldn’t count how many were there in their tray but definitely they were more than the diners sitting there. And they started putting them in our thalis one by one. One, two, three, four...... and still counting!!!! “Oye bhai!! Are you gonna use my empty thali as a tray?” I was just to speak when one of them came with chhach and another with FOUR types of chutney with him and started serving us. I was still unable to figure out what they are going to do with those SEVEN bowls in each thali because the FOUR types of chutney were served outside those bowls. Then came Salads. FIVE types of vegetables in it. That was an acceptable number. But wait!! Salad too outside those bowls. SEVEN empty bowls!!!! For the next 120 seconds I felt myself tripling in size or in number. I was not one. I was three. At least the assortment of food in my thali was trying to make me believe so. This many varieties of sabjis we don’t have even in a whole week menu in our home. SIX types of sabjis. Still one bowl left empty. Before I could see anything in it, here came two more guests—an all new bowl of dal-bati and another of churma. NINE bowls and still the feast seemed far from over. Then one stranger came in the so far empty bowl. I couldn’t make out whether the new arrival was a sabji or a dessert either by its look or as I later realized by its taste (It was sweet sabji probably). Yeh lo ji! The real dessert had come. Another bowl of aamras. So TWO new bowls... one & a half of dessert and another half of sabji.

I was just going to start when I realized rotis are yet to come. My Gosh!!!!!! Four types of rotis/puris—Plain roti, Puran Puri, Bajre ki roti and bati already there—all dipped in supposedly pure ghee.

Finally wait ended. We were supposed to start now. Ravi started with puran puri and I with bewilderment and that didn’t taste as good. I just followed Ravi with puran puri and while chewing a bite of it, my mouth was working slower than my mind. Which one after this!? Even after finishing this whole puri I had no clue what to take now. Just to buy some more time for my mind I stuffed this (unnamed) thing. I went back to my CAT-preparation days and started recollecting all the formulas of permutation & combination and the probability theory suggested me that I couldn’t try all of them. I am not exaggerating things but I really had to struggle to keep pace with Ravi and choose next thing to eat. My hands were going forth, retreating, again going forth and then again I had to hold them back till I could convince them that this is what should be the next. Only the speculation of recession reaching its worst had such an uncertainty. Suddenly I started feeling terrible. I was going to be an MBA finance, also trying my luck with CFA let alone the commerce background that I have. All the fundas of Quantitative Aptitude and Risk (& Uncertainty) Analysis had taken a tumble. And that Gujju guy before me was so calm; enjoying his dinner like it was a day-to-day chore for him to work with these numbers...SEVEN+FIVE+SIX+NINE+TWO.....

Then something just blew my mind. I possibly solved the Ambani riddle. Why these Gujjus and Marwaris are so sharp? Why do they rule over not only the whole of India but the whole of world when it comes to business acumen? And why NMIMS has majority of Gujjus (& Marwaris) in it?
We start learning higher mathematics only when we reach 11th Standard. These guys learn it every day twice since their childhood. We apply P&C when we leave school. These guys do it since the time they start holding spoon. We use risk analysis to minimize uncertainty about things they don’t even need to learn it because their food does the trick for them.

The fight was over now. This dinner was much better than Mutton Pulao I planned to have- not because it was tastier but because it gave me a new recipe of success.

And for the very first time in my life, my hands were more tired than my jaws after a meal. And so was my mind owing to those tedious calculations.

WHAT DIV C SAID LAST YEAR

What Div C Said Last Year...

Heyyy Div C we are ½ MBAs now. Now we can fool people half the time and get away with it. And we are soon gonna conduct a test of it on corporate guinea pigs for a whole 2 month time. And those who are best at it will not be required to prove themselves again in coming final placement season and I wish good luck to each one of us.

Well apart from what we did to earn this expertise, we did some other great stuff too last year. Without sounding hyperbolic, I must say that 08-09 has really been a roller coaster ride. We broke paths (orange revolution), invented new traditions (Dhok), made others learn how to lose to us (Fahrenheit, Sports Week) and turned others into green and red with our bitter taste. They say C division was not a division; it was disruption, distraction, digression. Whatever but we were The Difference. We did differently, we saw differently and....................... we said differently.

So here are the top 20 things that Div C said last year.... Well the rankings are subjective. People may differ and will differ yet it is my ‘perception’ only. Some instructions before you fasten your seat belts:

1. 1. Some parts of this post may contain some mildly unparliamentary words or connotations. But I believe there are no MPs in our division except two who however are not parliamentarians but much above that --- Mayank Presidents. But I feel they won’t take objections to it.

2. 2. At some very few places I have unsuccessfully tried to pull legs. I hope this is taken sportingly. However if someone gets hurt by its contents, please take a Centre Fresh in your mouth, call me and give as many curses as make you feel relieved.

3. 3. I’ve started with a descending order however if you people are short of time you can reduce the list to top 10 and start from #11.

So here it goes........

#20. “LET’S SUPPOSE”: Let’s suppose he had a little more hair on his head, wouldn’t he have given many a chase for their honey? Here is my older..... errrrr.. elder brother (angreji thodi kamjor hai bhai). Chauri ka bada bhai Pachauri. The tough guy with a good heart! Cipla (Shilpa), next year when you will be presenting things on VLCC, have this guy in your group. No one will be as emphatic as him.

#19. “I DONT CAYER”: I don’t cayer even if it is our much regarded and equally feared Dean Sir taking class. I will sleep and I don’t give a damn. Our hussy Tussy.

#18. “MOTEEEE...”: The second only girl entry in the chart. The other one is shared however. That’s what she addresses most of us with. And when she calls u that, you wonder whether you can reciprocate the same. Our very own Matey.

#17. “SUMMIT KI MEETING HAI”: Welcome to the IT cell of NMIMS. And meet the very m+o+d+e+s+t Shubhanshu ‘Donald Duck’. This is the reason that you will get most of the times when he refuses to come with you. The meeting will take place at a very grand place (Quad), there will be a number of participants (that figure can astonishingly go as high as 3) and it will take quite some time (till you can go, pee and come back).

#16. “I WAS IN CYPRUS”: I am not kidding you, almost all of us could remember his name only after we started saying ‘yes that quiet guy who has been in Cyprus’. Our very sincere bro Roopam.

#15. “YEH BAHUT HI SAHI THA”: I hope at the end of this blog someone in his/her comments can write these words Badwaz style. This is what our very very humble and socially responsible President (unfortunately in 5-6 years he is going to be demoted to CEO level at Essar/Reliance) utters when he finds something surprisingly good. Another of his more frequent expression was a big contender for this rank..... ‘BASICALLY’... count how many times he speaks it when he is making some presentation. My count once went to 22.

#14. “BE CIVILIZED”: In all probability I may get these two fearful words in my comments section by Nihal.

#13. “AGREED... BUT”: Agreed to disagree or disagreed to agree?? That seems to be the driving motto of our mimicking king Swapnil (Sahil doesn’t lag much behind either). Probably there is only one person in the universe who can make him agree or rather leave him with no other choice but to agree... our revered CDG sir. Thankfully he is not taking any class for marketing guys.

#12. “AREY! HUM ENGINEER HAI BHAI”: “Which one? Akshita like? Padhaku?” “Arey nahi nahi. The usual one.” Not someone who goes to bed at 11 and wakes up at 5 but one who goes to bed at 5 and wakes up at 11. The Mumbai Mirror star... Arpit.

#11. “WHAT IZ THISS?”: Well the same ‘takiya-kalam’ is shared by two. Darbari Harqat Ali Khan alias Chappoooo and Mayee alias Harshika (Oops wrong number!!! Mayee was trying Local call in Andheri and Chappoo... well). Hope that Chappoo’s ‘Men’s Liberation’ campaign doesn’t reach Mayee’s place on May 12.

#10. “AREY BHAIIIIIIII...........”: Hamare hindi ke pracharak evam prasarak (our Hindi spreader and campaigner) shriman Kaptan Bhole alias Garry. The true representative of the rich Indian culture and the highest ranked engineer (HRE)of our class (IT, BHU). All the girls in our class should take classes in HR from him (he got a coveted 20 out of 20!!!!)

#9. “BUTTTTTTT.....”: The finger goes up and the heavens petrify, time comes to a standstill, earth stops moving and the presenters are shaken to death. Such is the terror of his questions that presenters have to take a green signal from him then only comes faculty. The Topper and The Stopper- Here is Debu aur uski ungali.

#8. “TAKE OF YOUR CLOTHS”: Well No publicity is bad publicity (Does that ring some bells.. yes it was my topic for extempore). You need to get to fame (in 30 seconds) BY HOOK OR BY CROOK.

#7. “YES, I AM SENTI”: Highest contribution to the list and to Div C’s success story. TECHNICALLY (mind it he is not an engineer), ADDING ON TO THE SAME LEAGUE, MAI TOH AJIB SA HO GAYA. But nothing describes him as well as this one. Our Flag Bearer Monk (you get to know about his diet planning & control and you will understand why he is called so) Bansal. Div C would have never been so without him and his sentism.

#6. “MAINE TOH KUCHH KAHA HI NAHI”: Yes he never says a word and that’s how he hunts you down. When he says you are wrong you definitely are, and when he says you are right it means he is ripping your legs apart with such a clinical precision that you come to know about it only when all your saviours are gone and you are left with no clothes (Baba learn from him!!). May be for doing an MBA at NMIMS you don’t need to read between the lines but for saving your *** you have to hear between his lines. Our dearest Dolly, the great gambler on the last bench.

#5. “HOWLY SHIT”: Even an aborigine with his lineage deep into the Canadian culture, would feel ashamed of his accent when he hears those two words from Bauji’s mouth. Gosh Bauji! Tell me where the hell does one get such an accent in UP.

#4. “KYA FUKKALL HAI BE”: Well one of the most often used phrase in Div C last year. Apla Rajiv Bhai has got three mantras in his life first of which he got when he took birth in a Marathi family, second when he attained the voting age and the third when he came to NMIMS..... JAI MAHARASHTRA, JAI RAJA SAHIB, JAI BAJAJ SAHIB.

#3. “YEH TOH BADA WALA HAI”: Our Casanova alias Harshil Bhai has gifted this life-lasting phrase to each one of us. He must have been at the top. However there was this one chink in his ball... errr... wall (arey hamari angreji kamjor hai bhai and no one knows it as well as he does), he himself confused us whether this was his creation or Rajiv’s. Of course he can write it in comments area without fearing the IPR laws I believe.

#2. “ACTUALLY MA’AM WHAT I WANTED TO SAY IS THAT...... SO₂, NH₃, C₂H₄, N₂O₂”: And you have to take your napkins out of your pockets. Well we all know that we speak gas and a hell lot of it in class. But somehow we manage to convince not only others but even ourselves that it all makes sense. There was this one guy in the right last corner of the class who stood up and accepted openly that he does it. But you know when you are bent low and that too with your pants down, you can’t expect that your *** is gonna remain untouched, it is just like giving Sukhi a question and expecting that he will say “I don’t know.”

#1. “SAB MOH MAYA HAI DOST”: The greatest of all, leading the chart with an outrageously large margin. No one has come even closer to this in the history and no one dare try in the near future of Div C. Nothing as brilliantly said as this one. Div C’s punch line. Wait. The list has one more to it. There is yet another line by the very same legend that is as brilliant as this one... “MERI JINDAGI TOH KHULI KITAB HAI” (jis par sab kuchh Roman aur Greek me likha hua hai). You go to Bajaj and tell him that you have topped and he will certainly say... “SAB MOH M AYA HAI DOST”.

So the list ends here. Hope everyone enjoyed it (except when his/her name appeared in the list of course).

Life....

THE JOURNEY

It all starts with a spring

Some rapture and some zing

When blossoms are at full

And cuckoos merrily sing.

They raise their little heads

And leave comforting beds

They swing then hence and forth

Like pretty sea mermaids.

They quit taking from spoon

And grow stronger soon

They mock scorching sun

And laugh at wintery moon.

They weather big tempest

When the beast is running at best

And face those tinges of rain

That never takes a rest.

That vim not ever stays

That fervour also frays

Ahh! Heartless as Time is

Now there are yellow days.

Well as you people may have figured out by now that this is a symbolic poem. I have tried to depict the journey of life metaphorically drawing an analogy between life and leaf. The last two lines are of particular importance as a lot lies there. Time is heartless without a doubt. It never stops for anyone. But in the last stanza of my poem I have tried to cover a different side of the picture also. That you can never rewind time is universal truth, but equally true is that you can not fast forward it either. Ask someone in his/her late years, someone who is ignored by everyone.........even by Death. So ‘yellow days’ I mean dull colours of a dried leaves as well as old age.

Muck And Brass

So another of my poem is here.....Again a serious stuff. So if you guys are in a lighter version of mood, please avoid reading the stuff or indigestion is guaranteed. I must have thrown a disclaimer at the start but that is something where all the controversy emanates from. But just to disown any fallouts that my poem may have I must tell that the pronouns used here are not targeted at any particular section of society. Let them just be ‘PRO-no-NOUNS’. Also don’t just even think that I had a great social cause in my mind while I was writing this. It is just that I was thinking about a very general phenomenon observed in the society and just wrote all that on a piece of paper and unfortunately it was ‘a good morning’ for the poet in my mind so he gifted me this.

MUCK & BRASS

To a higher rank you belong
And claim to have come way long
A culture from Zion you follow
And you boast of a history strong

Having read some tomes you take pride
And say animal in you has died
You the Beauty, they the Beast
Those lives bucolic you always deride

Your mark, your mind, your money-all talk
All theirs are mum- a silent walk
They are belowest all is bought
But they are the roots- the building block

Manners they don’t know
But something else that in your heart must grow -politeness

Letters they can’t read
But something else that you all must heed -nature

Argots they can’t utter
But something else that you can never do better -greetings

Dreams they don’t have
But something else that you can only crave -contentment

Here wit comes easy , easy goes hence
But they are the ones who know the essence
Their rights are always wronged alas!
And their bliss you have named ignorance.

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One of the comments that I got for my earlier posts -which I after a great amount of brainstorming found out to be the strongest factor in making my poems appreciable- was ‘the difficulty in understanding them’. Well one plausible explanation for this is that these are modern poems (like modern arts) not the classical poems and their meaning is sure a bit incomprehensible (for both the writer and the reader..he..he..I am being so candid!). The higher the difficulty level, the more appreciation they are destined to get.
But this time I am sparing you guys to go through so much travails even at the cost of the praises that I may have got for this post. I am exposing the tricks used here in this poem. The explanation for some of the terms and phrases are as under:

*Title= a popular saying goes like this ‘ where there is muck there is brass’ meaning a business can be profitable by being engaged in some wrongs or something like this (Oh please someone tell this proverb to our Ethics/CSR teacher. They will probably sue Oxford/Cambridge/Webster’s.....for including this saying in their Dictionaries.) I borrowed the title from the same. Muck here represent...Oh sorry I have disclaimed something above and I must follow that.

*Culture from Zion= Zion means heaven. Culture from Zion here means a culture that is thought to be very superior.

*Lives Bucolic=Rural folk

*'Wit Comes Easy, Easy Goes Hence'= it better holds true for money but we have seen how in today’s world even the most qualified and so called literate persons engage themselves in meanest of tasks.

*'And Their Bliss You ve Named Ignorance'= Well you are very much aware of the saying 'Ignorance is bliss'. I have not only played with the order of words but with meaning of the saying as well. It means that their simplicity is said to be gaucheness, their contentment to be their submissiveness, their modesty to be their penury......

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