BITCH-GIRI

What would have been the reason because of which Adam and Eve had their first fight? I see none. This planet was too perfect at that time for them to afford a fight. There was enough land, sufficient water, fresh air and a great deal of love being shared between them. But most important of all, there were no other souls wandering around. No other guys, no other girls. So they both had to keep themselves content with whoever they were sent with. Neither could Adam have another crush nor could Eve. Both were doomed to be loyal. This was not the only scourge of being ‘two-lone’. They had to act in a way that was nice to each other’s senses even if they wanted to do something else. They had to look in a manner that was pleasant to each other’s eyes even if they wanted some different get up. And they had to talk in a way that was sweet to each other’s ears even if they wanted to bitch about each other. The most gratifying pastime of humankind was just not discovered.

World must have been getting too boring to live in. So God blessed Adam and Eve with children, grand children, great grand children, great great grand children.... and us. And with increasing numbers we found strength – strength to stand against and overcome nature, strength to oppose and fight and strength to survive and move on. But you see no one is omnipotent (unless God does not have a female counterpart!). At one time or the other, before one person or the other, one has to bow down. And it need not be just power or wisdom before which you surrender. Sometimes even sheer stupidity and tantrums can force you to put your weapons down and render you helpless.

Helplessness – the very oxygen and water of bitching. The more helpless you are in a situation or before a person, the more likely you are seduced to this temptation. That would also explain why the bosses are the breed that has the dubious record of being most often and most severely bitched about. And trailing them with not-so-huge margins are in-laws and neighbours especially richer ones. Though these are the breeds who have been claiming the top spots since ages, any human being – superior or stronger or richer or more successful than the other – has more often than not a group of quiet-before-thy-face-loud-behind-thy-back fellow beings around him/her.

But let me make my stand clear. I am not vilifying bitching. On the contrary, this note of mine is intended to do away with the misconceptions that readers might have about bitching. First and the foremost of them is the view that bitching is predominantly a feminine trait. It would be sinful (though not imprudent) if I say that. What is prejudicedly considered to be the forte of women, has throughout the history of time been catching fancies of men and women alike. The only thing masculine or feminine about bitching is when it is done. Men do it in spare time, women find spare time for it. But at the end of the day both end up with the similar amount.

Second and where my ideas might just be a little too radical for some of you is the faulty notion that bitching is bad. No..... Bitching is just another source of recreation – perhaps the best of all. Think of the time when mankind didn’t have any television to watch, when the world was too big to travel and too dangerous to roam around far, when the spirits also used to fade away with the light of the day and when the nations were under autocratic rule and consequently freedom of speech was just a tad higher than that seen in the Wikileaks case. Bitching since then has been serving mankind like an honest servant. It is all pervasive in that anyone can bitch – rich & poor, wise & fools, old & young – everyone. It is evergreen in that one can bitch anywhere and anytime – you need not have special permission, special place or special timings to bitch. And trust me, it is so relaxing and so rejuvenating that it should long have been used as a therapy to treat disgruntled souls. In fact the only other things as indulging as bitching are wine, marijuana or cocaine – though unlike bitching they each have side effects.

Now the third and the last misconception about bitching is that there is a limit to bitching. Sorry fellas if you think that way. It has no end to it. It never lacks subjects – from classmates to colleagues to neighbours to bosses to life.... you have so many options. Bitch and bitch about anything and to any extent. Excess of bitching is not injurious to health. And if you don’t believe me try shying away from it for a week without feeling constipated. And if you succeed, I will salute you.

(The author is particularly thankful to a Mumbaikar friend of his for giving him the title for this post. Also views expressed here are completely his though inspiration has been derived from countless number of souls around him.)